I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
