I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
