I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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