he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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