you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
