What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
