Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize