drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
