we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
