he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
porn star boner night. come get it.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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