My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize