shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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