Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize