I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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