I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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