I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
