I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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