He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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