There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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