He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize