Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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