Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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