So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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