Where are you?
In a non slutty way
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
