Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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