Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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