dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
