I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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