I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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