How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
