There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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