Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
