I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
