that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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