We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
