Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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