Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
