So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
