My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
