the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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