id be glad to
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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