Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
