I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
