Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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