You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
