I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
