Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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