Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
