Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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