you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
