who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My feet surprised me
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
