I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
