Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
