I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
