i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
