It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
