Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
