i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
