I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
