I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
