you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
