its not stalking. its research.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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