Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
